Embrace the Power of an I Don't List: the Secret to a Life Well Lived

December would only feel complete for me by revisiting a concept that 'went viral' in 2019. The I Don't List, by journalist  Holly Wainwright, struck a chord with me when it was published because it captured the wretchedness and futility of striving to have it all or achieve work-life balance.

Every woman has an 'I Don't' list. And it's about time we shared them. - Holly Wainwright

I want to amplify (again) that the concept of work-life balance has been "foisted on women since the 1970s." Susan Colantuono, No Ceiling, No Walls. This, along with striving for an unrealistic and fictional version of perfection, adds to the mental load that women carry every day if people like Holly (and me) dont interupt it by questioning the conventional wisdom about what womanhood means. 

What Womanhood Means ...(to the patriarchy)

Continuing my rant, I will say again that womanhood often means being asked about:

How to have it all

or

How to set boundaries

or

How to achieve work-life balance

I promise that from here on in, I will not bang on about more patriarchal gendered bullshit like setting boundaries or work-life balance because, let's face it, when was the last time you heard a bloke being asked about his work-life balance, how to have it all or how to set boundaries? 

Living Your Best Life

What I will bang on about is how more women can start living their best lives and how they can accomplish the things that are important to them. 

Firstly, that means taking the time to stop, breathe and reflect on what a well-lived life might feel like. So ask yourself, what would it feel like if you were living your best life? 

What would you have to start? More importantly, what would need to stop? 

So this brings me neatly to the 2019 story by Holly Wainwright, now an Executive Editor at Mamamia. Holly wrote out her I Don't List and, importantly, shared it.

• I don't cook dinners most nights of the week. My partner does that because he's home first. I could write an essay about how I would do that differently, but… I don't.
• I don't sit down and do homework with my primary-school-aged kids every evening.
• I don't remember to make my daughter practice her violin.
• I don't make birthday cakes.
• I don't iron. Come on, who irons?
• I don't exercise most days.
• I don't live in a spotless house. Or even a vaguely tidy one, if I'm honest.
• I don't 'decorate'.
• I don't 'entertain'.
• I don't organise playdates with fun activities and snacks.
• I don't shave my legs (*very often).
• I don't know the names of all the kids and their parents in my children's classes.
• I don't volunteer at school. I know it's important, I'm sorry.
• I don't meal prep.
• I don't cut the sandwiches into heart shapes.
• I don't remember all the birthdays I should remember.
• I don't meditate.
• I don't reply to every email. Or even most of them.

I read this list and cheered out loud, then wished that Holly had inspired me to do some of this stuff earlier in my life. But! It is never too late, so I cracked on and, started my own list and published it. No doubt to a much smaller audience than Holly, but nonetheless, it was powerful. Here it is, with some updates. As you know, I am an evolving human who has way less tolerance for meaningless crap than I did in the year before a 2-year global pandemic in Victoria, Australia.

• I don't iron
• I don't watch commercial broadcast TV news
• I don't run for anything or anyone
• I don't feel guilty for prioritising my sleep, my mental health, and my relationship with my wife
• I don't do breakfast meetings
• I don't read women's magazines
• I don't take work appointments/calls on weekends
• I don't prioritise managing email over talking to humans
• I don't go to meetings without a clear agenda
• I don't do Christmas cards
• I don't say yes when I mean no

To accomplish those things means I have to be able to say no gracefully and abstain from some activities and opportunities that come my way. Because guess what? I am no superwoman, and I refuse to spread myself so thin that I am doing a whole bunch of things in a mediocre way and, as a result, feel like a constant failure. 

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I am no superwoman, and I refuse to spread myself so thin that I am doing a whole bunch of things in a mediocre way and, as a result, feel like a constant failure. 

Saying No is Leaderly 

Meg Whitman, current US Ambassador and former CEO of Quibi,  eBay and Hewlett Packard, said she focussed on doing three things as best she could: her role (then eBay), being a mom and being a wife. 

There were lots of other things that just didn't get done. We weren't particularly social. We went out on the weekends only when we could bring the kids. I have a lovely home, but it doesn't necessarily look like Martha Stewart just left. I couldn't say I'm a fashion-forward executive. There was no time. Something had to give.

Meg clearly had an I Don't List, too.  

Having an  I Don't list is liberating and is another way for me not to return to being a Job Nun. Susan Colantuono says a Job Nun are those women who are married to their jobs and have no time to do anything outside of work except sleep and prepare for the next workday, and they are not very interesting. 

Having an I Don't list also means I have the space to be a more interesting partner, friend and colleague than I would otherwise be if I didn't have various interests and projects and paid attention to current affairs. 

What about you folks? What is on your  "I Don't" list?